Coping with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD), while not a formal diagnostic category, describes experiences that often occur among those with ADHD. RSD reflects an increased sensitivity to rejection, real or imagined, as well as a greater tendency to perceive rejection even in neutral situations. RSD can be extremely painful and lead to intense suffering among those who experience it. Further, RSD thrives in an information vacuum, in us not knowing what others think about us, our work, and our place in the world. Read on to learn more about coping with RSD.
Understanding RSD
Many neurodivergent individuals can recall every intense moment of hurt and rejection they have experienced like it was yesterday. Those with RSD are often haunted by past hurts/rejection. They also remain on guard for future rejection, so much so that they sometimes perceive rejection or criticism, where there is none, or have a response that others deem an over-reaction, not understanding the deep pain it has caused. RSD can also reflect a personal belief that you have let someone down. Because many ADHD children and adults may already experience a feeling of otherness, these slight rejections hurt all the more.
As a result, many neurodivergent people develop into people pleasers and perfectionists, going to great lengths to attempt to avoid rejection. They may also tend to ruminate after interactions with others, replaying events over and over in their head, or seeking reassurance from others that what they said or did was okay. This can lead to obsessions, shame, stress, humiliation, feelings of otherness, loneliness, and sadness.
Why does this happen? As humans, we are biologically wired for connection and acceptance, so rejection/criticism is viewed by our brains as a deadly threat, cueing your survival response! Think fight, flight, freeze, and fawn! Further, the emotion regulation challenges that come with ADHD, as well as previous experiences of rejection that come with neurodivergence, make it all the more painful.
Having ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria does not make you a human who is weak or incapable. You are just wired to feel things more intensely and replay unpleasant interpersonal interactions over and over because RSD is linked to social insecurity. But empowered with the knowledge about how and why this happens, and the tools below, you can work to overcome RSD. Here are some great tips to help you work with rejection sensitivity and reduce its tumultuous effects in your life.
Believe In Yourself And Focus On Your Strengths
If you’re struggling to cope with rejection sensitivity, it can help to focus on your strengths. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and the things you’re proud of. If someone asked your loved one what was so special about you, what would they say? What about what you love to do? Or what you do well? If you struggle to identify strengths, ask the loved ones in your life. Whatever your strengths may be, make sure to focus on them regularly. This will help you to feel good about yourself and to build up your self-confidence.
Reframe Your Thinking and Work to Stop Taking Things Personally
Many adults with ADHD struggle to separate when a statement is directed specifically at them or when it’s something more general. They often take things personally that may not be personal. Remember that other people can say thoughtless or hurtful things sometimes that are more about them than you. The rejection you perceive may not be purposeful or personal. Instead of seeing rejection as a personal failure, try to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, or a reflection of someone’s issues rather than your own. This will help you to accept failures and setbacks as a normal part of life, rather than taking them personally.
Develop Affirmations
One helpful strategy is to develop affirmations. Developing mantras or affirmations assists in reducing the noise of negative thoughts that can come with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. These are positive statements that help you to reframe your thinking and feel better about yourself. Affirmations can be short or long, but the important thing is that they’re meaningful to you. So take some time to think about what would help you to feel better in situations where you’re feeling rejected. Then start using those affirmations on a daily basis, both in your head and out loud. With time, you’ll find that they make it easier for you to deal with rejection in a more constructive way. Try positive phrases like: “I am stronger than I think.” “My mind is uniquely wired and creative.” “I can make a mistake and be a good person.” “I can take risks and see what happens.”
Build Supportive Relationships and Lean into Your Supports
Focus on building strong relationships with people who will support, encourage, and care for you, even when times are tough. These relationships will provide a buffer against the pain of rejection.
These people can provide a listening ear when you need to vent about a rejection. They can also help you identify if it was a real or just a perceived rejection and help you to see the situation in a more positive/balanced light. With the right support in place, you’ll be better equipped to deal with rejection and move on from it.
Ditch The Negative Self Talk and Replace it with Self-Compassion
It’s easy to get caught up in a negative feedback loop when you have ADHD. You feel like you can’t focus, so you get behind. Then you berate yourself for being “lazy,” which makes it even harder to focus. But the truth is, ADHD is a real neurological condition that makes it difficult to focus and stay organized. It’s not your fault. It’s important to ditch the negative self-talk and give yourself some credit for managing your ADHD. Remember that you are capable and competent, even if you sometimes have trouble staying on task or make mistakes and you have your own unique strengths that compliment your unique challenges. Be patient with yourself and give yourself grace when you make mistakes. Then, celebrate your accomplishments.
Give Yourself At Least One Positive Piece of Feedback Each Day
Give yourself at least one positive piece of feedback each day. For example, you might tell yourself that you did a good job of staying on task during a meeting, or that you handled a difficult situation well.
Stop The Comparison Cycle
Everyone has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses. However, when you are neurodivergent, it can be all too easy to focus on your shortcomings and compare yourself to others.
This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. One way to boost your self-esteem is to break the comparison cycle. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your own unique gifts and talents. Celebrate your successes and remind yourself that you are just as worthy and deserving as anyone else. Also, keep in mind that when you are comparing yourself to others, you are not getting the full picture of that person as everyone has different challenges that are not always visible to others.
Give Yourself A Sense Of Control In Your Life
When you live with ADHD, it can often feel like you are out of control. Your thoughts may race, making it hard to focus, and you may feel impulsively drawn to activities that are not productive. This can lead to a sense of powerlessness. One of the most important things is to create structure for yourself.
This may mean setting regular times for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; making a daily schedule for yourself; or setting aside time each day for exercise. By creating structure, you will be able to stick to a routine and avoid the feeling that your life is spinning out of control.
Find Your Passions
Searching for your passion in life can be tough. But if you have ADHD, it’s important to find something that lights a fire inside of you. When you’re passionate about something, you pour your heart and soul into it. This blood, sweat, and tears approach not only makes you feel good about yourself, but it also builds character and resilience.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Remember to be patient with yourself and celebrate every small victory along the way. Building your self-esteem, changing your negative self-talk, and learning to cope with RSD is a process and won’t happen overnight. Give yourself some grace – and follow these tips – and you’re sure to see a change over time!
